I feel relentless

I am changing the objectives but still in the line of the theme (BUILD). 
A half year of effort
  1. Music
  2. School
  3. Cert
  4. Self
Music, This is a parent idea encompassing smaller faster ideas:
  1. Home Studio - PC
  2. Body of Knowledge for Music Literature
  3. Rehearsal time for recording and production
School, Need to finish STRAMA
Cert, Prepare for the migration
  1. CCISO
    1. Need to read the body of knowledge
    2. Need to take practice exams
  2. CySA
    1. Study Body of Knowledge
    2. Setup Lab
Self, Managing the ADD me
  1. Read Driven to Distraction
  2. Go to therapy
  3. Maintain medication

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I want to put this down here to see how this will survive through time. I feel like I'm taking on too much. But then again, I feel like I really can get these. Just big chunks of ideas that I can get done, and I feel that I can get it done. 

Last year, I took my ADD meds earlier in the year but stopped. I thought that meds was a crutch that I don't want to rely on. I'm now for it all the way. I still don't take it everyday, but I want to keep using it moving forward. It's quite dominating actually; it looms over me heavily. It's breathing new life into my life. I suppose last year I had other things that I had to fix. I wanted to start tabula rasa. I wanted to wipe the slate clean then start adding things in. So in the process of tabula rasa, I put things in and see if it works and how I react, never fully committing to anything. I didn't know what I was going to find. 

This year, ha! I want to place things in my life with precision. You know? I want the best version of me. And mother fucker, this version of me will be for the fucking ages. I want to know how far I will go if I really rail it. I know I have the bits and pieces and medication and therapy will help me put it together. 

I've never been clearer on what I want for my life.

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Tangent ideas:

I'm really torn between the idea of being in a relationship and not. I don't know. Maybe it's a biological desire not to be alone. Sure, I feel lonely at times but it's not enough for me to feel alone. And, I feel like i'm one foot in on the idea that maybe I need to date, but then I look at what I want and it's not gonna line up. No way. 

So 'friends' (by which I mean girls who I thought maybe this can be romantic) showed up lately. And I was honest about what I want. I feel like both of them sort of gave up on my explanation half way through. It really really sounds crazy from the outside but I really really believe in me, the me I want to make. I feel like that rejection is what's driving me to find validation from someone who will understand, or would care to try. 

I want to meet someone who will be wiling to meet half way. So do I look for this person actively, knowing that maybe I am driven by a desire to be understood rather to actually find real love (I'm romantic like that nyahaha). Or, do I wait, and see what happens.

Another tangent:

I've given up on the idea that I will be flying out. I can't keep on putting everything on pause. I've wasted so much of my life as it is trying to fix me. I'm not gonna wait again for some stupid letter that tells me to come over my parents house. 

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I don't feel overly positive about what's going to happen. I feel prepared. I feel ready. And honestly, I don't really care if I get there. Like genuinely, I don't really care. What I care about is I start taking steps, in a generally positive direction. This is so much better that what I had going a year ago. And I am thankful for every goddam minute of it.

Posted by big.mati on February 17, 2020 at 11:19 PM | COMMENT TEXT!
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