I think working in themes for the year works so much better than resolutions. So 2020: Home. I want to find a home and build a home. I am very estranged to the idea. I always thought that places and people in spirit and in kind are always temporary. I've always thought that people and places do not stay, so I never kept any. I suppose the presumption is still true, however, this time I realize that even if people and places leave, I will still be me and I will still be left with myself. So home is not a place nor a person, but myself, on the places where I am and will be, in the people I meet and in the friends that I keep in my heart. I want to build myself a brick at a time, a moment at a place, a person at a meeting. Now I am free. Now I want to stay.

I suppose 2019 was pivotal in my life. I was able to go through therapy, and had been on and off meds. I also restarted my master's degree. I started meditating. It was a year of discovery, a year of rest. It was a year of great steps towards wellness and balance. 

2020 will be a year of practice. That is the goal-- for 2020 to be the year I practice what I've learned and push. I want to press. I want to start building. I've been resting for the part three years, mostly because I don't know how to move forward. But now. Now, I feel equipped. I feel I can.

I still have to finish my thesis. I still have to fly to the US. I still have to finish a couple more certifications. I have a few more iteneraries to travel. Though, I'm not really apprehensive about any. I'll get there. (and tattoos to get lels)

In my own heart. In my higher powers own time. Things will get there. 

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Biggest lesson of the year: It will never be like the way you thought it will be so be thankful for the moment.

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I've been traveling with my daughter for the past week or so. She's turning out to be a venerable travel buddy. She's getting there. 

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Oh love life, how empty you are and how empty you will stay.

Me and the ex are trying to re-start(?)... re-... re-kindle(?).. redefine our relationship. I don't know. A big part of me really loves her, --but I fucking swear-- she has no idea where to start with me. I really love her to death. If it were me trying to love her I think we'll be fine, but as far as her trying to love me back. I suppose that's an asshole thing to say after what I put her through. But I want to be honest and realistic, at least here. I still can't communicate how life-changing therapy was and how dire the situation was for me. Like the whole thing still surprises her. How? I mean literally how is that strange? Omg. I can't. I don't have the energy. So to think, is this something I can keep doing? I've been thinking about this for the past week or so. I feel like I shouldn't, because I have to prepare realistically for the eventuality that I will not be always okay. She can't be the person I bring into that situation. I know my therapist would say that I am jumping the gun again, but I can feel it everytime we're together, there's a reason I had to leave her behind in this journey. I cannot trust that she will support me through a difficult moment. And that's heartbreaking. 

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So.. move on I go? I trust my higher power has an answer in the horizon. So I really don't mind. Like was said, this is a year of building a home. The home is my center. And that center will be the gratitude for the people around me, regardless of what relationship I have with them. I'm just happy to be a part of it.

Posted by big.mati on December 30, 2019 at 09:44 PM | 1 COMMENTS!
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Comment posted on January 5th, 2020 at 08:00 PM
Happy new year dude! Wishing you a love filled 2020. =)