big.mati

The past few weeks, I'm trying to get myself comfortable with my new found world-- slowly inching, I reach out to people, giving when I can, listening better, a little more effort than I would have, living with generosity-- and all to no goal than trying to exist in the space I occupy. I do my best to be kinder. Slowly, everyday, a little more of me is built better than the last. I learn to be patient. I learn that this doesn't have to happen now. I learn that maybe there's no really and larger philosophical point to this.

And with that, I'm in recovery. Like a plant under-nutured in the shade from the sun, I'm blinded by life, leaves adjusting to the new warmth.

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I suppose a short recap: I always asked what do I do. I always asked what the point of this all and try to have a clear set goals. I always thought of myself as ravenous. 

It's okay to be motivated but somewhere along there I lost it. In hindsight, I thought being unforgivingly focused is the secret to self-actualization. No. I couldn't have been more wrong. And now, I have an answer to the question "What do you wish you had known when you were younger?": Success doesn't make you happy. Happiness makes you successful.

I don't know what do make of that but.. It's a lesson worth learning.

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So moving on:

Oh man. That thought that maybe I should get myself into a relationship doesn't escape me. Like, I ask myself: maybe? To be honest, and modesty aside, I feel like it's not a difficult thing to do, getting hitched. I feel like I'm not terribly repulsive enough that I can't get back in the "game". I don't know. 

Though, I terribly hesitate. 

I feel un-ready. And that's okay. But on the otherhand, it does nag me. Like there's a white elephant in the room that I recognize but fail to address.

Should I search? Or like just let time take me there? I feel it's unfair to just trust everything to my higher power. I feel I should at least try. Well.. only if I'm decided to try.

Goddamit.

So. For now, let's say: I'll work on myself and the answer to that answer will come.

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We'll see. I have no expectations to what will happens next. 

I just have faith that it will be happy memories. Loved and in the love of the people I love.

I am excited to see how this year ends. I remember I wrote ealier in the year that my goal is to find the new me and to know my higher power. For the first time, I see myself as a story, with victories and defeats, and villains and heroes, and people who make the world brigher-- I am blinded by the new sun-- the warmth of the new day.

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Monday, I asked for money because I lent to a friend. So... we talked. You had a problem. And I suppose that was a smallish problem that you can get away with. I have no idea what's been heppening to your life. Like nothing. I remember this is how we started: you, needing help; me, a knight in shining armor. We talked and went separate ways. My head wasn't in it. I didn't know that you're going to unload this on me. As far as I knew, I did not exist in your universe-- I am otherworldly, like a phantasm from Titan. You talked to me like the way you talk to a mirror, honest, unabridged. I gave you half of my attention for thirty minutes while in line at the bank. The other half of me is in the office, nervously waiting if something should burn down while I am away. 

Thursday, I leave therapy. Should I had gone left, I would have went home, maybe worked out. It was traffic-- I took right. I texted that I am on my way to the area. Nothing. 

Friday, I was disturbed by the silence. I don't know what you thought my intentions were. Honestly, I'm still (was) there. I did my price checking for furniture, I checked out guitars, I ate well. I haven't been to a mall for myself for quite some time. Your empty space followed me, a hollowness from the lack of answers. Slowly, I was coming to the answer that I cannot keep waiting, hoping. I cannot say that I will just keep trying. 

Saturday; falling out of love happens in an instant. It happens in the moment of waking, in a moment the body decides it has had enough of what the heart has to say, takes off in a different direction, and thus the heart surrenders. The heart then follows the direction the body has gone. Whatever that was, was a memory. It was happy. It was alive. It was a reason. Was. I loved you like great things are to be loved-- from a distance. I went through this in search. I was looking for answers to fix what I felt was broken, having that slither that there's a place to come back. It may not be there, when this is all over, but that doesn't matter, love conquers all, don't it? It is the only reason, ain't it? I felt diseased, unworthy, unclean. I decided on the risk, because the other side is forever, isn't it?

Remember "A 100% Perfect Girl"? No, of course not. We never had these conversations. We never got deeper than what I needed to do the next weekend. I liked that you were the earth, and I was the sky-- we mirrored each other, one to dream of infinity and beyond, the other to walk on what is here and now. Polar opposites, took a risk, tempted fate, and will never realize the mistake.

The silence killed the last of me. It set me free.

I can never go this way again. Not that my body is unwilling, but my heart doesn't feel. Feel for what is lost. Feel welcome. Feel hope. Feel love. Feel anything, honestly. It's just gone.

You asked me once if I still loved you, I gave you silence. No, that's a wrong memory, rather I gave you an hasty answer that I don't want to answer. It was and is unfair, but I stand to my own grave that that was the correct answer for the time.

And so on.

I'm heartbroken actually. I feel like I've been defeated. However, I do not feel like I've lost. I feel this is just part of the story and happy to have found finality. 

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