big.mati

At the risk of spamming the frontpage;

I haven't really said anything about my trip. I don't like to travel like a tourist. Sure, these are tourist things but I don't go there for the destination. Destinations are just waypoints to facilitate the journey. The destination could be anything for all I care however, the journey is paramount. I like the idea of travelling rather than touring.

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I said I was depressed after my trip rather could not explain at the time why. Now, I can. It felt lonely. I felt like I'm the only one with this idea in my head. I felt out of place.

Like this expanse of the universe felt overwhelming-- I felt its weight bearing down on me-- I felt like crying-- shouting into an abyss-- I felt like the openness of space and breadth of time made me and all subsequent efforts immaterial-- I remember the waves taking me, wishing it never gave me back-- and that God had forgotten about me before I had forgotten about Him. I want to breathe again, speak my own words again, think my own way again, find my own path again.

I say this because I felt nothing. --nothing was alive --I had nothing to prove to anyone --only myself and that is not enough. This makes me feel empty, to know that I "don't have to". The "I must be" has died and lost its meaning.

I am now free to fullfill my destiny and that is terrifying. It's more terrifying knowing I am capable. Sure, everyone has doubted themselves at some point. This time I don't feel doubt. I feel... unguided.

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I was speaking to a friend the other day and she was also in the process of resigning after ten years working in her industry she is leaving. She says she has nothing left to prove and go look for something else. I felt that.

I just want to finish my masters then move on. I still don't know what. I have faith that when I am ready to look I will find it.

I swear conversations with this person always comes up at the right time. I don't even know how my mind is connected to her but for some reason she can goddamn see through my soul.

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Speaking of seeing-through-souls.

I was travelling with my friend, right? There were no weird moments for us. We're kind of clear that we're friends which is the main reason I took her with me. I don't want weirdness while travelling.

Though.

At some point I handed her my camera because she was going to sit through this thing and it was better for her to take pictures. The show breaks out because it was over. I was looking for her at where she was sitting. I just kinda stood there because she walked off. So I lost her. And I was just standing there hoping that she'd realize I was waiting where I left her and she'd come back. Almost everyone had gone. I turn around and she was pointing the camera at me. God, I hated that feeling. I was on the other side of that thing. She was taking pictures of me. Anyways. That shit felt odd.