So I went back into theraphy.. specifically for anxiety. This passed morning was my second session. This is a new counsellor. It's very different.. For one, she's expat which means it's a very different relationship from my previous counsellor. This time its sound more scientific.. I mean it is more scientific. I don't know.. I can't tell from the first two sessions, but I believe (which is the important part). I want to go ahead an really work through this..

Okay, the thought process is: I want to become an executive (to whichever form does that really take), and to do that I have to work through these issues in my head. I'm pretty sure in practice that shit does't really follow. Just humor me for this.. and let that be my motivation for actually fixing the shit. B/c that shit sounds better than 'I want to fix my anxiety to avoid its delibitating effects on my life'. I'd rather say 'I want to be successful'.

It's still terrifying though.. which I suppose is what I'm trying to fix.

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Okay.. my ex.. My ex says she like a guy.. which is great. I just want to break away tbh.. Like if we're doing this, then let's just. Otherwise, we've just been dicking around this passed two years. Like I'm tired and I want to move on, and I want to start going out for myself as well. Honestly, I want that clear conscience going into the next phase of this.. If I'm going to be alone, I'd want it with peace in my heart, knowing that she's fine.

I know I said, she'll probably be the person I end up marrying anyway. But that said, that's more of a pre-arranged thing rather than a willful act on both parties.

Which is strange as well, bc she would send me pics from our previous vacations.. like guilt tripping me into staying.. like c'mon that shit ain't fair..

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A girl:

Strangely again, there would always be someone isn't it? I don't know there will always be someone under the radar. Or like when you're single you tend to gravitate towards people. It's just the way it has been for me. I suppose this one is very platonic. She's very young.. like too young. (I mean that in a non-creepy young way, ya kno). In any case, I like walking that very thin line of being wrong and just about to become wrong. I'm stupid that way. I understand it's vague, but since I don't have a clear conscience I'd keep it that way.

Is the girl the motivation for breaking away?: No. She's a vision of the possibilities.

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Further changes:

I've lost 10lbs in six weeks. Which is great.. and that is a solid 10.. it's not water weight 10. I'm making it a point to get this sorted. Again, I'm an animal of instict-- I do not know why I am doing this. I just know I want to do it. I'm also quite obsessive.. I hope this time around I'm able to channel myself to something better.

Posted by big.mati on September 12, 2018 at 08:43 PM | COMMENT TEXT!
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